watch yourself. if you're not careful, i may UNBIRTH you!
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12.16.2002 @ 9:08 pm

arg. *starts up christmas mantra. i really fucking hate this holiday, it sucks.*

i am so incredibly stressed out for some reason. actually, it's more like every single reason you can think of, and then you remember something extra and add that to the list to. but most of my stress reasons are probably really lame, and people with actual stress issues would want to kick my ass for them.

i actually counted and figured it out today, and between the 21st of this month, and the 6th of january when we go back to school, there are about 3 or 4 days that i don't already have something to do. i hate that. it stresses me out just to think of that. and then when i go back to school, everyone else will be all relaxed and all'ooo i just had a break..." and i will be all "ack. break=stress." and i will forget how to spell my own name or something.

and then, after my whole feeling of motivation this weekend, and my whole, let't set goals attitude, i did absolutely nothing at all today. i didn't even go to my creative writing seminar block. i am so lame. first block was ta. and then second/third block i slacked in the library, and also hilaire and i wandered. then after lunch, i was working in the sewing room, and wandering as well.

today was also really lame in the sense that i was all weird and stalker-ish without intending to be. and now i am all obsessive over it, and think that he hates me due to the fact that he didn't really say hi to me or anything afterschool, when i stopped by his locker and was talking to katie. whatever. i hate him too. i attempted to decide this earlier, and i don't really know how well that is going to work out. *sigh*

AND i am just stressed. i have no idea why, and i can't really think of any valid things that i have to be actually freaking out about, but i am anyway. and then i get the really werid thing that i do where everything i have to say comes out in one giant huge long stream of words, that would be really similar to me typing, and not leaving spaces between any words, but breaking them down into paragraphs still (i do have to breathe sometimes...)

i'm still not dome my christmas shopping. christmas is wayyy too soon. this sucks ass. now i am definetely not going to school on wednesday. i know that i will be missing classes, and important ones at that. if i was going to not go to school to finish shopping, i really should've done it today. when i have no classes. but no, that would make sense. and now i am going to be missing important things that i really shouldn't be...and and...AUGHGHHHHHHH.

'third eye'
tool


dreaming of that face again
it's bright and blue and shimmering
grinning wide
and comforting me with it's three warm and wild eyes.

on my back and tumbling
down that hole and back again
rising up
and wiping the webs and the dew from my withered eye.

in... out... in... out... in... out...

a child's rhyme stuck in my head
it said that life is but a dream
i've spent so many years in question
to find i've known this all along.

"so good to see you
i've missed you so much
do glad it's over
i've missed you so much
came out to watch you play
why are you running?"

shrouding all the ground around me
is this holy crow above me
black as holes within a memory
and blue as our new second sun
i stick my hand into his shadow
to pull the pieces from the sand
which i attempt to reassemble
to see just who i might have been
i do not recognize the vessel
but the eyes seem so familiar
like phosphorescent desert buttons
singing one familiar song...

"so good to see you
i've missed you so much
so glad it's over
i've missed you so much
came out to watch you play
why are you running away?

prying open my third eye
so good to see you once again
i thought that you were hiding
and you thought that i had run away
chasing the tail of dogma
i opened my eye and there we were

so good to see you once again
i thought that you were hiding from me
and you thought that i had run away
chasing a trail of smoke and reason

prying open my third eye.



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