this is a fire door, never leave open.
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03.23.2003 @ 2:34 am

spring break is over. i'm not pleased by that at all. not that i don't invariably end up having a decent time at school....just...it feels long. i guess it makes me appreciate breaks though. and this break, has definetely been deserving of appreciation. even if it wasn't overly eventful, in the sense that i would have interesting things to talk about...it was wonderful nonetheless. i don't usually realize it when things get overwhelming, until i get a chance to sit back and actually relax. then i wonder how i managed to deal with things before. *shrug* it could be worse i suppose...i could overreact to every single little thing, and make it into a gigantically huge deal when it's not. or it could be better, and i could manage to balance everything without getting overwhelmed...

and maybe i'm not a writer. i mean, i like to write. at times, i need to write. but...i'm not comfortable with my writing. i like to sit back and pretend that i could be a really good author...or poet...or playwright. whatever the project of the day turns out to be. but...usually it doesn't end up finished...and if it does, no one knows about it. i'm not comfortable with my writing. i don't usually end up liking it, even if it turns out to be what i wanted in the beginning, which it rarely does. i hate when anyone makes the attempt to see what i'm working on. even those i trust implicitly...it's just...i guess i'm worried about being judged. which doesn't make any sense at all. it all comes down to me thinking "well...i hate it, so everyone else must too" or.. "if i think they'll hate it, then it won't be a disappointment when they actually do". neither are very productive ways if thinking, and probably tend to alienate anyone who actually gets the chance to see what i've written.

but i realized tonight that i'm okay with my art. i never used to be...but now...i don't know. something's different. or maybe nothing's different, and i'm crazy...who really knows? but i like my art. and not just the random doodles that appear on the side of the page when i try and write. (which should probably be my biggest sign that i'm creative, just not in the way i'm trying for.)

and to think that all that came partially from an online quiz. it was supposed to be telling me what kind of writer i was. *shrug* i suppose you can't really expect much from quizilla quizzes though, the website for online quiz-obsessed people who don't have the skill and/or effort to figure out how to code their own quizzes. (and no, i don't know how to code a quiz. but, i also don't feel the need to.) i suppose not all answers come in the most expected places...

i had a bit of an "off" day today. i don't know what it was. i just felt like i wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. so i found ways to distract myself, and i think it passed. or, i buried it, and it will invariably return later on. i guess i'll just have to wait and see.


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