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today is forever. breathe. ...they beam things into your head...the ghosts of your pleasure in contempt...horrible day....absolutely terrible, yet incredibly eye-opening at the same time... this morning sucked...i hate being forgetful...it just makes the whole rest of the day seem that much more rushed, and out of place...i did end up going to starbucks on my way to school anyway, but that's it for this week, seeing as i have been there twice in one day (but no, i am not addicted...) i hate signing into school...the secretary this year just seems so inhuman, and slightly on the incompetent side...but i think she seems to be getting better....either that or i have become desensitezed to her, and all her exasperation at doing her job...although i suppose i wouldn't want to be the secretary in our school either... ...so sleep tonight in idle dreams....the pain will drown...your silent screams...i worked in the library first block....threw in 'the pleasure and the greed' and managed to write 2 poems in half a block....one free verse, and one little formula one...i forget what it's called....it's the 2-4-6-8-2 syllable variety.....and i signed up for a float block....improv....i am going to hate it, i am sure.... creative writing seminar was rather interesting today....i blew meaghan off, even though she sits right beside me, because i simply didn't care about the one thing she screwed up at work, or her inability to finish her project....if you can't do something, and are going to give up, then give up and stop dwelling....so i firstly used the excuse that i had to work, but then ended up reading briony's short story, and then conversing with dal for the rest of the block....we're both rather nerdy, although we hide it well....so it was nice...especially because i don't know him, so it was new and interesting... ...i'm never alone...i'm alone all the time...catherine and i had a wonderful conversation this afternoon about the newness of people...and how you love both new friends, because there is mystery and excitement about them, and you love old friends because of the bond you share, and the history....but in between those two stages there is a horrible period of boredom, where you want to cut yourself off from them completely, as there is no history, and nothing new to learn... ...are you comfortable and numb....did they all succumb to all those lies....this afternoon, catherine and i managed to spend a whole block just conversing and catching up...probably one of the best parts of my day.... i think last block was the hardest of the day....i don't know what happened, but something inside me shifted, and it hurt to sit still...everything inside me just screamed to get up and run and scream and move....but i fought through it, and managed to read a bit of jann arden's book....until meaghan threw a bobby pin at me, because she was too fucking lazy to get up and ask me something...and they all found it absolutely hilarious that i jumped when it hit me...i swear i was ready to kill....i was trying so hard to sit still and be calm....i have no idea where that feeling comes from....or how to get rid of it....it's like there's something sitting in the middle of my back, twisting, and pulling every other part of my insides along with it... ...she was a january girl...she never let on how insaide it was...in that tiny kind of scary house....by the woods, by the woods, by the woods....the bus ride was even more horrifying...of course, on the h so fun 701 bus, there was a bee...what is with that lately? it seems that there is a vast expanse of bees roaming the earth...i am terrified of bees....also allergic to them...not in the deathly sense, but i'll have a panic attack, and possibly black out...so i hate when there are bees trapped in a bus with me....i actually got up and seriously begged marc to kill it...he decided to be humane though, and let it live...which it did, until the retarded, and immature boys sitting across from me, decided to maim it, and then throw it at me...i, or course, screamed bloody murder and nearly had a heart attack....then i killed it, and managed to restrain myself from killing the boy....mostly because he had a pair of bolt cutters, and i didn't really want to get into a fight with him.... ...cuz the world waits around....but i keep slipping and losing ground....this afternoon...catherine accompanied me on my trip to the mall, originally to buy hair dye....but then we saw larissa, and went and harassed her...then bought her coffee...i was going to buy wings from zellers...but they didn't have anymore, so i'm not dressing up for halloween.... my hair is now black....winter colours....it's hat season now i have decided....so i have to rampage my room later, and find both the flame hat, and my red toque...the bestest winter hats ever....and try and figure out a way to fix my broken fuzzy red/maroon toque...because that is the best hat ever, when it's not broken... ...they left me here for dead my dear....barely breathing...but i'm still breathing...my dad still hasn't come home...i have no idea what's become of him....i thought he was coming home today....perhaps he is out with ann....and didn't call...i have no idea... scarlet's walk tomorrow....finally....i still have that horrible twisting feeling inside....i wish it would stop....
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