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once i build my rocket to the stars... there's 11 days until my mom gets here. i miss her. a lot these past few days. i'm unsure as to why exactly. i mean, when she first moved, i didn't really miss her at all, as horrible as that sounds. but...it's the truth. we fought a lot when i lived there. over nothing really. well, it was always over something just not usually important things. which made it all the worse. it didn't really end when i moved out either. i just didn't have to deal with it on a day to day basis. but...she's also put herself through a lot, mostly for my sake. and i've never given her enough credit for it. and i don't know if i will ever be able to. there are some things that you can't express gratitude for. some things you just have to accept that you can never properly thank someone for, or do something that is equivalent to what they've done for you. because some people are willing to sacrifice more than they ever should. it's these people that shape the lives of the people around them. i love my mom. i always have. there's been times that i haven't liked her all that much, and there are still times that i don't understand her motivation for a lot of the things she says. but i have always loved her. and now, i call her some days just to chat. i'll probably get up extra-early tomorrow morning, and call her before i leave. so i can tell her that i had really good food tonight. the kind of food that really makes me miss her cooking. the kind of food that you have to keep eating until you're positive that if you eat one more bite you just might explode. so that i can be all girly and happy about the long stemmed red rose that i keep staring at instead of my computer screen. makes me happy that i can type without looking at either the screen or the keyboard. i mean, every so often i have to glance at one or the other, but, for the most part, i can be completely focused on something else. it's raining. if it were raining harder, i think i'd like it a whole lot more. i live for nights where the rain falls hard and fast and loud. where i can fall asleep without having music playing, because the sound of the rain is so much more beautiful. the kind of rain that you can walk home in forever. but you have to be going home to a hot shower, or it just isn't worth it. except...the times that it is. there are very few things that parallel the sound of rain. i think though, that the sound of snow falling surpasses it by just a little. in any event, although i probably have more to say, it's not coming forward in any sort of coherent order. perhaps, it's because it's nearly 2am, and i've been awake since shortly after 6am. maybe, it's because there's a limit to the amount i can say all at once. at least, it certainly feels that way sometimes. like there's some sort of filter in my brain that regulates the amount of information i'm allowed to have, and the amount of information that i'm allowed to share with others. i honestly don't know why i feel the need to hide everything in the back of my mind. maybe, i never will. it'll be like the reason i used to sleep in my closet. most kids are afraid of monsters in their closet. but i felt...safe there, i think. i'm really not sure. i just remember that i used to sleep in my closet. and no one, including myself, knows why. maybe one day i'll trust my memory. because i don't now. that's why i keep journals. so that i can remember. they usually aren't all that interesting, and if i go back and read what i've written previously, i usually feel the incredible urge to get rid of it. to destroy the proof that i felt or thought a certain thing about a certain situation. maybe, i'm just trying to erase all the bad things from my mind. if i get rid of the evidence, they don't exist, right? i mean, it's worked in the past...if i work hard enough, i can forget everything...maybe. or maybe, i'm not supposed to. maybe remembering helps me to appreciate that i'm happy now. it's funny...i said at the very beginning of this, that i thought i was sad. and i still do. only parts of me though. the rest of them have different feelings. some of them are happy. some of them are lost. a couple of them are hurt. there are probably a few angry bits in there too. but no matter how many of them there are, or how many different emotions they have....they're all me. crap. it's daylight savings tonight. i just lost an entire hour...i was going to use that hour to sleep... i really don't understand the whole daylight savings thing. i am, however, very thankful that my computer reminds me of it, because i had totally forgotten. it does seem rather pointless though, to adjust the clock an hour forward in the spring and an hour back in the fall. if we kept the same time year round, it would make things less confusing....and i'm all about things being easy to understand. most of the time, anyway. ...it's a long way down |