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words left unsaid i'm completely at a loss as to where to start. so um...first off, i'm all old and stuff now. i had a moment of panic, where i freaked out about how i'm soon going to have to be all "adult" and have a "real life". but then i had some sense talked into me, and i'm more okay with it now. still not totally looking forward to it, but i'm okay. as okay with it as i'm going to get anyway. i guess it's just something else that i have both too much and too little control over. i have no real concept of money. i mean, i can hold an amount of money in my hand, and count it and everything...it just doesn't really mean anything. i don't care. i don't really hate money...it's essetial to life, whether anyone wants to admit it or not. but i don't really care. there's far too much emphasis put onto material possessions. and yeah, there's a reason i'm going on and on about money. it's not all random and 'oh look, i care about social issues.' it's self-involved, as is pretty much everything i seem to do lately... i settled my ICBC claim. it was awhile ago, and i just sort of forgot about it. we had made a deal with the adjustor that they would hold my check until my birthday instead of putting it into trust, since i turned 19 less than a year after my settlement. so about a week ago, i had an envelope from ICBC sitting on the kitchen table waiting for me. i opened it, pulled out a contract-type dealie, and a letter and some other paper and stuff. so i left it, because i had other things to do. came back to it later on, and realized that the contract was my acceptment of my settlement. and that my check was in the envelope as well. i now have a $4000 cheque sitting on my desk, because i'm not quite sure what else to do with it. i know that i have to do something with it...but i'm horrible with money, and i'm afraid that if i put it in my bank account i'll spend it. plus, then i won't be able to check my bank balance at the end of the month and have $3.80...which i have to say is something that's incredibly gratifying. it's spring break now. i'm relieved. i mean, it's not like i hate school. i hate the idea of school. and the stress. but i usually manage to have a pretty good day there. but...spring break is like an extended weekend. i live for weekends. maybe that's what gets me through the week. the fact that with each weekday, i am one day closer to the weekend. maybe the week isn't so bad, and it only seems that way because the weekend is so much better... and maybe i shouldn't be here, writing this. maybe i should be writing an english paper. maybe i should be working on a short story that needs to be finished. maybe i should be writing the letter i agreed to. maybe i should be sleeping. maybe...maybe i'm trying to think too many thoughts at once. and maybe i should pay a little more attention to what i'm doing. i updated two other journals, and then started reading through old chat logs. i have no idea how i manage to get that distracted... i'm still awake. it's nearly 3am, and i have no intention of getting to bed anytime soon. looks like i won't be getting up early in the morning, unless i don't sleep at all. i'm thinking, that as much as i'd like to be up early in the morning, that's not such a great idea...*shrug* then again, it's not like i have to get up on monday or anything... i've been trying to get through this, completely avoiding one of the reasons i haven't updated this. and i'm still going to. too many unfinished and conflicting thoughts to try and roll into one paragraph. it'll make no sense. (and yes...it has to make sense in my head before i can write it.) in any event...that leaves me with nothing left to say. or rather, too many things that will be left unsaid. |