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lost in the law of averages ...i feel...but i can't find the words...i've been neglecting this diary a bit as of late. partially because i've been insanely stressed and have had a lot to do...but more because i'm going through one of those phases where i become painfully aware that there are people who read this, and then i start to attempt to write for an audience, then find myself to be uninteresting so i end up stopping in the middle of an entry. when i started this diary, no one read it, and then when people started to, i didn't really know them. now, people that i actually know and see in everyday life read it. which isn't necessarily a bad thing, it just changes the way i write in a sense. at the moment, i'm trying to just write, and not pay any attention to who might be reading, and it's not working. i have a fear of being incredibly boring, and also of oversharing. i'm trying really hard to stay away from the sort of entries that say 'today i went here and did this. the end.' and write more about myself, and the sort of things that i need to be writing about. it's not really working though. maybe locking everyone out is the key? but i don't think so, because i like knowing that people read this. for some reason, knowing that people read what i write is an accomplishment. the fact that i can be somewhat interesting enough for anyone to continue coming back to read this is both flattering and frightening. ...the doctor released me...a case of underjoyed...i've been feeling sort of numb lately. yeah, there are times that i'm happy, and enjoying myself, but most of the time it's just numb. i'm not really sad, and i have no reason to be. i guess it just feels like there should be something more. i already probably have more than i can deal with at the moment, but since i'm not happy about it, i'm looking for something else. so that i can neglect the things i shouldn't even more, and be upset about that. but what would i do if i was actually happy, and then had nothing to whine about? i'm starting to actually believe that i enjoy being miserable... 'this bouquet' |